Syndicate

Two years ago (has it been that long?) when John and I moved to New Jersey I Took Over the Blog. Well, John wants his blog back, and I can’t really blame him. Not to mention the fact that name of this blog (Syndicate) means absolutely nothing to me and isn’t related to what this blog is about. My new blog is called Tiny Tyrant and will undoubtedly be a mommy blog. I don’t care what sort of stigma that carries; that’s what my life is about now, and this is my opportunity to express my joys, frustrations, and adventures in motherhood. So, I will be writing on that site now, adjust you links accordingly.  The gallery will also be moved to Tiny Tyrant.  However, for all you tech heads out there, don’t delet this link.  John has plans for this site and you wouldn’t want to miss out.

Those of you who used to live in Colorado know that they tore down stapleton when they buid DIA, and have spent that last 15 years building houses and shops, the shops are called “Northfield.”  Yesterday, we went there to see a steel drumb band with Felicia and Sabrina.  Chloe LOVED it.  She and Sabrina danced, ran, and played with baloons, until we were rained out.

Sigh.  Thanks to Sara, I am down of the ledge.  I decided (even though I was tempted to delete it) to leave my previous post up.  I have gone back and forth on how honest you can be while blogging because I know who reads this, and I don’t want to offend anybody.  But, every now and then I have to speak my mind, no matter how ugly it may be and how hurtful it may be for others read.

I am not a bad friend.  We all get caught up in our day to day living and sometimes we forget that there are others out there that we can talk to and confide in with the little things as well as the big things.  I just found out a lot of things I didn’t know in the last week.  Some of these things were directly from the source, and others were told to me by other people, but all the info was old news for everyone but me.  And I have to admit that I was hurt.  I was far out of the loop.

But, like I said, I am off the ledge and back in the loop.  I am letting go of the hurt and the frustration and just accepting that sometimes I am not going to be the first to know.

At some point, and I have no idea when, I stopped being the accessible friend.  I am not blaming anybody but myself, but I have to admit that within the last month or so, it has become more and more obvious.  People I have known most of my adult life are not telling me things.  Not just run of the mill things, but LIFE ALTERING THINGS that happened to them months ago.  And yet I am the second, third, fourth, LAST to know.  I am not going to pretend that I am always the most accessible.  I have a two year old and that limits my ability to just drop everything.  But that doesn’t mean that I can’t.  AND that certainly doesn’t mean that I won’t.  And yet…there is the possibility that I built this “everything is fine” cocoon around me, and people are hesitant to cross that.  But COME ON PEOPLE!  I can’t say it doesn’t hurt when I discover that you had PPD or were dealing with an hormonal imbalance or were trying to get pregnant and I didn’t know anything about it.  I am starting to wonder if these friendships are more important to me than they are to the people I so desperately cling to.  I also wonder if I checked out when I got married and had a child, and that I may not be able to repair the damage.

I don’t feel like I am a judgmental person, I don’t feel like people should be afraid/ashamed to tell me things.  I also feel like I can be trusted.  If you want something to be a secret, I can keep it.  (And trust me, there are people who can attest to that.)  So, why am I sitting her whining?  I miss the friends I had in Colorado.  I have made friends in NJ, but it’s different, and I am not sure why.  But, I idolized what I had here, and when I return I always assume that all those friendships would just go back where I left off.  And yet…

This just reiterates that my loneliness in NJ isn’t just because I moved.  But, because I moved, people stopped considering me someone they could talk to, confide in, relate to.  And now I am feeling even more lonely, because all the things I look forward to are gone, and just coming back to the place doesn’t mean coming back to the feeling and the idea.

To all those friends that I let down, I am sorry.  I am sorry that I got so caught up in my own life you felt like you couldn’t tell me about yours.  I am sorry if I ever made you feel like I would judge you or criticize you in any way for the decisions you have made.  And I am sorry if I didn’t share enough of my faults and failings to make you feel like you could share yours.  I can and will do better if you let me.  Please don’t cancel me out of your life.  I will be there, no questions asked.

I have alway tried to be a good friend.  And, I am, like everyone else on the planet, fallible.  But I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt to discover that the friendsips that I hold most dear, are more important to me than to others.  I am open to suggestions, please let me know what I could do better, and I will.  Just, don’t give up on me.  I am lost, but that doesn’t mean that I am lost forever.

Chloe is not the most adventurous of kids.  She could walk, but wouldn’t without holding on to my hand (for months!  I am not kidding!)  She could go down the stairs, but would refuse to.  She wouldn’t walk on anything except for hardwood, carpet or cement for the longest time.  I was the mom on the playground going down the slide and climbing up the ladder, and going through the tubes, dragging Chloe along with me.  We are desperately working on pushing her boundaries so we can do things like go to the beach and she’ll actually walk through the sand.  Or we’ll go the park and she’ll climb through the equipment without mommy right there with her.

We’ve had a couple of experiences that have taught me a valuable lesson about Chloe…she needs a little push to break through those barriers.  We took her to a splash park last week (photo’s will be uploaded as soon as I kind find the cable to get them off my phone.)  At first, she wouldn’t go anywhere near the water.  We went and played at the other park for awhile, and then when the rest of the kids in our group went back to the splash park, I dragged her over there also.  She wouldn’t play in the water until I handed her a shovel so she could splash the water without having to touch it, then she just gradually warmed up to it, and we had to drag her out of there to go get dinner.

Tonight, we took her to the water garden in Aurora.  It was basically a bunch of water jets on the ground that squirt at different intervals and patterns.  At first, she didn’t want to get wet.  She complained she was getting splashed and she didn’t want to do it.  I picked her up and went running through the water with her.  That went on for quite awhile, then I put her down and she decided to go on her own.  By the time we were ready to leave, she was soaked and having a grand time!

I guess the trick is to not let her fears rule her, and sometimes that means getting creative (and a little wet) to broaden her horizons!  I need to learn to not let her “no” be the ultimate word.  Not that I will throw her in a pool to force her to learn to swim, but I can maybe ease her fears and give her the opportunity to really discover what she is capable of, and when its worth risking feeling “safe” for having fun.

Here’s my baby, slowly becoming more of a daredevil!

If I wasn’t crazy before!

Actually, it wasn’t that bad.  We went camping up (and I do mean up, 10,000 feet up) in Leadville with Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie Karen, Daddy, Mommy and Chloe.  Chloe, John and I stayed in the McMansion of tents, large enough for a queen size air mattress and a pack n play.  We ate like kings (Alaskan salmon-me, steak-John, chicken nuggets-Chloe) and tried to go hiking.  I say tried, because all of that wonderful snow Colorado received this winter is now melting and running in small streams all over the camp site.  This, unfortunately, encouraged the mass breading of mosquitoes, which meant we spent the whole weekend covered in harsh chemicals to avoid west nile, and still got bit!  Chloe had a blast running along the dirt roads, throwing rocks into a lake (she called it “stone soup”) and looking at the fishies at the National Fish Hatchery.  She didn’t, however, sleep very well.  The first night she whimpered and moaned off and on all night, and the second night she was up for about an hour singing to herself.  All-in-all, we had a great time, and will happy to go again next year!  Here are a few highlights:

Our McMansion

Selecting the appriopriate stone, throwing the stone into the lake, stirring the “soup,”  “Mommy, stone soup!”

Hiking with Daddy

Blowing Bubbles with Auntie Karen

Posing with Mommy (Hey, that’s strenuous! I swear!)

See our gallery for more!