Syndicate

“Okay, Chloe, time to go bye-bye” (Start time)

Run upstairs to get Chloe’s shoes. (We have to keep them hidden or she will want to wear them, if she is wearing them, she assumes we are going bye-bye.) Back downstairs.

Chase down toddler, wrestle her into shoes. Convince her it is, indeed, time to clean up Mr. Potato Head’s body parts. After three rounds of the “clean up” song, Mr. Potato Head and his parts are in their bucket.

Mommy puts on socks, realizes the “black” socks she grabbed were actually “royal blue.” Run back upstairs to get correct color socks. Make mental note to buy another lamp for the bedroom so I can actually see my socks. Back downstairs.

Take 2, Mommy puts on socks and shoes, realizes she forgot ring and watch in bathroom. Runs to back of house to put on ring and watch, decides to use the restroom. While mommy is in the restroom, Chloe decides to play with her balls. Convince Toddler that it is, indeed, time to put away balls and we can’t go to Gymboree if the balls aren’t put away. After three rounds of “clean up” balls are back in their hamper.

Check diaper bag to make sure there are enough diapers and snacks. There is only one diaper. Run upstairs to get diapers. Back downstairs. Realize while putting diapers in changer that there is only one wipe. Run upstairs to get more wipes. Back downstairs.

Meanwhile, Chloe has completely destroyed the muffin I set next to my Pepsi for ME to eat on the drive to Gymboree. Run downstairs into the basement to get dust buster. Back upstairs, vacuum up muffin parts.  Run into kitchen to grab another muffin for mommy.

Wrestle toddler into coat. Wrestle mommy into coat. Grab, purse, back pack, snack bag, milk for Chloe, Pepsi for mommy, muffin for mommy, oh, and Chloe. Dig keys out, realize I left both the kitchen light and the dining room light on. Put down Chloe, run to turn of lights, pick Chloe back up. Get out door, put down Chloe to have hand free for locking door, help Chloe down the stairs, then into the car. Wrestle toddler into car seat. Wrestle mommy into car seat.

Finally, we leave. (Stop time)

Mommy built a European village out of blocks, Chloezilla knocked it down, with the help of her small plastic dinosaur friends.

It’s my fault, I know it’s my fault. Chloe continues to fight me on the food thing. She will only eat snack food, and it’s making me crazy. She eats all day long, so she is definitely not starving. I try really hard to make the food she eats moderately healthy, I mean, there’s only so much you can do with a picky eater, but in the end, its still snack food. Yogurt, applesauce, cereal bars, boxes of raisins, crackers with peanut butter, rice cakes, and pretzels. If I offer her anything else, she acts like I am trying to poison her. The last time I went to the doctor, he said, “Don’t worry, toddlers snack, that’s what they do.” He basically gave me permission to keep offering her food all day long. The problem now is she is starting to reject some of the things that were actually worthwhile. Like cheese, for example. Chloe will no longer eat cheese. I have tried cheese in slices, cheese in cubes, cheese in sticks, and cheese in sandwiches. She won’t have anything to do with it. She used to eat bagels, now she won’t. The only meat we were ever able to get her to eat was chicken in the nugget form. Lately, she’s been refusing them. I have even tried the “novelty” approach to serving her food. I have made her food into all different shapes, sizes and colors. It works for a little while, then she starts refusing those, too. My only solace at this point is she really likes breakfast, so I try to get as much healthy stuff into her breakfast as I possibly can.

I blame myself because I think I gave her too many options at every meal. “You don’t want this, how about this, or this.” I just kept telling myself that she needed the nutrition and it was better for her to eat something, than nothing at all. Now, that’s what she expects (and rightly so).

Last night, she threw a huge fit because I wouldn’t let her snack before dinner. Then we offered her what we were eating (falafel, which she has eaten before) she threw the mother of all fits. She acted like we were trying to poison her!

Today, she ate a bowl of oatmeal, a handful of cheerios and a cereal bar before lunch. Ellen and I took the kids to the mall to play, and when it was time to eat lunch, I offered her chicken nuggets. She didn’t want them. Okay, whatever, she’s not hungry, she had a lot to eat already, I really didn’t expect her to be hungry. The annoying thing is she started crying for her snack bag. She wanted to eat, she just wanted to eat her snack food, not the chicken. Standing firm, I told her that her option was chicken or french fries. (I know, real healthy, but it was the principle of the thing.) She cried, she whined, she reached for her snack bag, she cried and whined some more and she refused to eat anything. (I think she was also ready for her nap, so that played into it.) I tried to cram my food in my mouth so we could quickly leave, go home and both take a nap and poor Ellen desperately tried to mediate.

I understand why Chloe was upset, and I know its my fault, and I think that’s why its so hard on me. But, she has developed a really bad habit, and as the responsible (as if) parent, I need to help her break it. Even if that means that she goes hungry a couple of meals and I slowly lose what’s left of my sanity.

Due to technical difficulties and illness, I have a backlog of funny pictures I want to share, so I will do them all in one post so I can catch up!

Toddler Graffiti

Our Fearless Hunter (Legolas was sure the prehistoric squirrel from Ice Age was going to be his dinner)

Dinosaur Skin Shoes? Sure to be all the rage next season!

Either: “More Efficient Eating” or “Toddler Chopsticks,” I couldn’t decide.

Click on the picture above to link to Chloe’s Online Gallery

A couple of months ago, I took Chloe in for her check up and they gave her a flu shot.  At that time, the doctor recommended that I also get a shot because even though Chloe may not have any symptoms, she can still be a carrier and can give me the flu.  I said, “sure, I’ll get right on that.” With absolutely no intention of getting a shot.  Boy am I an idiot!  I haven’t felt this bad for four years!  I just spent all of yesterday in bed, afraid to move, with fierce muscle aches reminiscent of growing pains.  Luckily, John was smart enough to get a flu shot, and was able to come home yesterday to take care of Chloe.  I feel much better today, but I just gotta say, “THAT SUCKED!”

Chloe has got my number.  I know this shouldn’t come as a surprise, but sometimes it shocks me how good she is at making me jump.  I’ve been better about not going into her room when she wakes up with the hope that she will settle herself down and go back to sleep.  The last two mornings she woke up saying, “Mommy, diaper, mommy diaper!”  I am so sick of her getting diaper rashes, that if there is even a hint that she might be poopy, then I will change her diaper.  Plus, we’re starting the potty training process.  If she tells me she wants a new diaper, I feel I need to act on that.  Which means she has found a sure fire way to get to pick her up in the wee hours of the morning.  What really sucks, is both times she’s done this, she wasn’t even poopy!  I genuflect before the master!

I was talking to my own mommy on the phone about why I quit tutoring, and I realized something that I hadn’t thought of before. I am looking at this whole stay-at-home-mommy thing all wrong! I was using this time, not only to bond with Chloe, but also as a temporary vacation from my stressful job. So, in my mind, I was a teacher, who was staying home with my baby. I realize now that embracing this new lifestyle means I have to see myself as a mommy who also happens to be a teacher. This is a completely identity shift for me. I worked really hard to get where I was professionally, and I felt defined by that. I was a special education teacher who worked with tough kids. This gave me character, personality, and even a little self-esteem, because people respected me for doing what I did.

I wish I could say I get the same respect for staying home, but unfortunately unless you are hanging out in a group of mom’s, people just don’t understand it. A lot of people look at me with bemused curiosity and say, “Don’t you get bored? I couldn’t do it.” What they don’t understand is that there is no possible way for me to get bored. I do soooo much. I actually feel like I work harder now than I did when I was a teacher, mostly because I feel like the stakes are higher.

My mom said it best when she said, “I wanted to be responsible for my kids, if they were screwed up then I knew it was my fault. If somebody else screwed them up, I would still have to deal with it.” Not that I feel like I am screwing Chloe up (although some days I do wonder.) I always thought that teaching was one of the most important jobs that you could have, because you were responsible for so many lives, and if you couldn’t treat that responsibility with the respect it deserved, then you should get out of the profession. I still feel like teaching is an important job, but I now feel that being a parent is the most important job. You are responsible for a tiny human, and everything you do, everything you are, impacts that person. And if you don’t respect the sanctity of this role than you are responsible if your children are “screwed up.” This doesn’t mean that all moms have to stay home to be good moms, it just means that you need to do everything in your power to use the time that you have with your children to make them decent human beings. I think that I chose staying home because I am such a control freak, I can’t let go of those reigns.

PS: But don’t worry, I didn’t completely give up on the teacher thing. Today, Chloe and I worked on colors and shapes by reading “Brown Bear,” then making a brown bear out of circles. When she wakes up from her nap, we’ll read, “The Three Little Bears” and work on the concepts of hot and cold. Lesson planning for a toddler gets a bit tricky!

I have been having a recurring dream for a few months now.  In the dream, the situations are sometimes different, but I am always back at ADRC (Adolescent Day Resource Center) teaching.  The first couple of times I had this dream, it really blew me away because I haven’t taught there for almost five years now.  And the last teaching position I had was at Shadow Ridge.  So, why in the world would I be dreaming about ADRC?

Last night, I had another ADRC dream, and I also had an epiphany.  I think I am dreaming about ADRC because it was the last time I felt like I actually knew what I was doing.  Now, ADRC was no picnic.  It was one of the most emotionally draining jobs I ever had.  Not to mention the fact that I was commuting from Westminster, going to grad school full time, planning a wedding, and buying a house.  It was  definitely a stressful time in my life.  Even though all of this was going on, I felt like I was making a difference.  I felt appreciated and respected by the other staff members and I felt like even the kids thought I was doing a good job.  Yes, it was tough, but I was filled with confidence that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.  And, unfortunately, I haven’t felt that way since, and it is seriously effecting my psyche.

At Shadow Ridge, I always felt like other people were second guessing me and judging me.  Now that I am a stay at home mom, I am always second guessing myself, and judging myself rather harshly at times.  I also find that I feel like I have NO IDEA what I am doing most of the time.  I look around at the other mom’s I know, and I sometimes feel like at some point along the way, they got some sort of guide book, and mine got lost in the mail.  This has been exceptionally hard for me because I was so used to knowing what I wanted to do and knowing that I was good at it, for so long.  I guess to say I feel a little lost at times here would be an understatement. Not that I am doubting that I am doing the best thing for Chloe, and for me, by staying home.  I know that I would be missing sooo much and I never could imagine letting somebody else raise my child.  I guess I just thought it would come more naturally for me for some reason.  This lack of confidence is making me act in idiotic ways sometimes which is causing me to make some pretty big mistakes.  And I am discovering that I have a really hard time forgiving myself when I make these mistakes.  I am a dweller, and I dwell for weeks sometimes on something that I did, its done, and there is nothing I can do about it.  But here I am, dwelling.

And, I guess the thing that scares me the most is the fact that I started tutoring for awhile just to get back into the “teaching” game, and I discovered that my heart wasn’t in it.  I knew it was time to quit when for four weeks straight I just didn’t want to go, and the last week before I decided to quit, I didn’t even plan a lesson because I just couldn’t make myself do it.  I have all the classic signs of teacher burnout, and it scares the crap out of me.  I am not going to be a stay at home mom forever, what happens when its time to go back to work?

Anyway, I think the dream is trying to tell me that its time for me to figure things out so I can get back into that place where I feel confident again.  Now…where to start?

Chloe’s craft cupboard:

And yes, everything is labeled.